I’ve become a master at detaching myself from my feelings over time, and I’m not too happy with the result.
Yesterday, I was in my passed grandmothers apartment to clean out the things that my mom and the rest of my close family wants to keep. My mom couldn’t go herself due to the pandemic, and so I did it by myself at first, later to be joined by a friend.
On my way up there, I realised that it was going to be tough to be in her apartment. My grandmother and I weren’t very close, but I was the only one from our side of the family who’d actually been in the apartment since she moved about a year ago. But on my way up to Stockholm, I didn’t really feel a thing for the situation. Sort of feeling numb.
And on my way to the actual apartment yesterday morning, I realised that there would probably be a stream of emotions coming up when actually entering. And opening the door, I did feel a rush of emotions coming, but instantly shut it down.
I had a couple of those experiences throughout the process of cleaning and going through her stuff. And my instinct response was to shut the emotions out.
Now, there are a couple of things I take away from this whole process, that I’d like to share. Hopefully they come of use to other people who’ve experienced similar behaviour and would like to reflect on it.
- It’s natural to not want to feel discomfort, and just as natural to feel it.
I try not to judge myself in any of this. Whatever the behaviour is, regardless if it would’ve been a full blown ugly crying scene from New Girl or the situation as it actually played out, I’d be fine with it. It’s all natural, and in the end the things I’m feeling are just emotions. They’re not going to kill me, but my judgment of them might.
2. The response-window.
Between the emotion being felt and my reaction to it (i.e shutting it down), there’s a small window of time. In this case, I wasn’t aware enough to intersect in that window, but I’m usually pretty good at that. Practicing to see that window is a huge part of why i can even write this text. And if you want to read more about it, I’d like to suggest some of Paul Ekmans research, or his conversation with the Dalai Lama that’s published in book form.
3. I’d love for myself not to shut emotions down as an instinct
I think every emotion and its attached behaviours has its time, and love being able to intersect between feeling and doing. But i don’t want to shut emotions down because they’re uncomfortable, or because of any other reason really. I’d love to come closer to my emotions, and at times let them play out fully. But that’s a decision you have to make for yourself if you, like me, neglect feelings.
4. What about the times I haven’t been aware enough to see the emotion?
One of the biggest takeaways for me, and the reason to why I’d like to change this behaviour, is that if I’m neglecting feelings by instinct, I don’t even know what I’m missing out on. That is, there might be a bunch of positive emotions that I’m missing out on because they’re never allowed to surface.